Aca-Awkward

I went and saw the movie “Pitch Perfect” the other day.  It was Aca-Awesome!  (Anyone who has seen the movie will totally get that joke).  Basically it’s about college students who are in competing a cappella groups (as one review noted—“Bring it On” meets “Glee”).  The girl group tends to say things like “aca-excuse me?” and at one point, Rebel Wilson says “aca-awwwwk-ward”.  It’s so great.

It got me thinking, especially considering some recent awkward events that have occurred, which I was the cause of.  I have a tendency to make people feel awkward, and oftentimes I don’t even really realize I’m doing it.  There are many times that I think I subconsciously do it; and then there are other times that I am aware of it, knowing full well that it might make someone uncomfortable but not caring because the issue (to me) is so important it needs to be addressed-no matter the repercussions.  Recently I had a friend tell me that I just need to be more aware of other people’s comfort levels.  Hmmm.  Does everyone go around constantly thinking about other people’s comfort levels?  I recognize that there is a societal norm that we are all expected to live up to, and that if we don’t, then we are crazy people.  I also recognize that part of me is crazy, and that part is the part I kinda love.  I don’t like making people feel awkward, and I certainly don’t want to do it to my friends and family.  But what are our friends and family if we can’t feel like we can be our true selves around them, and not have to worry about whether or not we are making people uncomfortable? 

I have a history of doing things that push the limit, toe the line.  When I lived in SD, I had two female roommates and decided one night (after drinking too much at HH) to strip naked and have a dance party in our living room.  We had full windows that led out to a deck, and we lived right by the beach, so there was almost always someone walking down the path in front of our house.  When the curtains were open and the lights were on in the house, you could see right into our living room.  Apparently I didn’t care and thought it was HILARIOUS.  Guess what?  Roomies were none too pleased and somewhat irritated by my behavior-which I could not grasp since I truly believed it was the funniest shit ever.  I mean, who does that?  Crazy people.  Crazy people do that.  Oh, and apparently me.

The difference here is that crazy people just go on doing crazy shit and they don’t think about whether or not someone doesn’t like it.  I have been cursed with self-reflection (read: beat myself up for all kinds of shit) and therefore when I find out I have offended someone or made them uncomfortable, I am really hard on myself.  The irony of it though, is that even though I really don’t want to make my friends or family uncomfortable-truly I don’t-I inexplicably continue to do it.  And then one day, the person/people I do it to come to a realization that it’s just who I am and it doesn’t make them feel so awkward anymore.  This same roommate and I recently traveled to Vegas together and I tell you what, I probably did 17 different things that would have made her feel awkward 10 years ago.  Hell, 5 years ago.  But instead of getting upset, or weird, or uncomfortable, she took pictures and laughed.  She grabbed on to the lap-bar of the roller coaster and held on tight.

This is me, doing something she wouldn't have liked five years ago.

 I have a feeling this is also how my poor spouse must feel sometimes.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  Half the time, he unbuckles the seat belt and says “fuck this ride-it’s SO not worth it”.  The other half though, he rides along, knowing that even though I am so capable of making people feel awkward or uncomfortable, I’m also quite capable of making them feel loved and that I genuinely care about people, because I do.  Aca-AWWWWW.