A Small List of Passive-Aggressive Socially Accepted Terms (mostly used by women)

This list was fairly easy for me to compile, as I am pretty direct and honest—sometimes to a fault.  As such, the following statements drive me batty and make me cringe:

·        “Bless His/Her Heart”: This term is extremely condescending, yet people who use it think it means they are exempt from sounding like total assholes—even though in reality, they are being total assholes.  It is often used to pass judgment on someone, but done in a way that makes it look like you are being sweet and caring.  “Look at that poor baby’s giant head, bless his heart”; “It’s not her fault she has a raging alcoholic for a mother, bless her heart”.  The best part is, most of the time the people that are having their ears raped by this language and therefore exposed to the person’s blatant judgment, read through the lines and know exactly what type of person they are (bless their heart).

·        Saying something I am wearing is “fun”, “colorful”, “sassy”, etc: This is a huge pet peeve of mine, because I wear items that could fall into each one of those categories; the big difference here is that I think they are fashionable and cute, and definitely NOT fun, colorful or sassy.  The reason why it bothers me so much is because it’s a way for people (especially women) to make a criticism of your outfit in a backhanded way, so that it appears to be a compliment when really it’s not.  When I hear “well that’s a colorful bag” or “aren’t those earrings fun!” I want to punch the bitch in the face, because I know what you’re really trying to say here.  You’re trying to say that my style is not within your limited tastes and therefore you can’t help yourself; you have to comment because you can’t believe someone would wear something so outside of the box, and apparently offensive, since you made a point to comment on it.  And more than anything, I really just want to reply back “Yes, well the bonus of wearing sweats to work is that you don’t have to change when you get out of bed!” 

·        “Well, that’s all that matters”:  Wrapping up a conversation with this term is quite patronizing, and is typically not genuine, unless you are a parent trying to console a child (which I bet money that doesn’t work either).  “It looked like Johnny was having fun out there, and that’s all that matters” (read: your child sucks at soccer); “Well, even though you lost a ton of money, you learned an important lesson and that’s all that matters” (read: you’re a retard who invested poorly); “Well you’re here now, and that’s all that matters” (read: you know how much I hate it when you’re late).  The problem with this term is that at one point maybe people did use it positively and really meant it but now, with the various ways it is used as a passive aggressive weapon to undermine people is just that: it’s a weapon.  And an effective one to boot because it makes you doubt yourself, and the person’s sincerity as well, when it is used against you.

·        “No offense, but…”: This one is the Mother Lode.  ANYTIME ANYONE starts a sentence with this term, brace yourself.  Because obviously they think that by stating that they don’t mean any offense, that means they can go ahead and insult/offend you.  “No offense but I don’t really like your spouse”.  What?!  Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s pretty offensive, since it’s the person I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with.  “No offense but sometimes your parenting style is a little much”.  Wrong on so many levels.  “No offense but when was the last time you cleaned your tub?”.  IWKY.  Just because you say “no offense” before a statement does not, ever, give you the right to go ahead and offend someone!  I feel like this should be a given, but apparently I am way off because people are still doing this.  A lot.  Honestly I would prefer for someone just to come out and offend me so that I can react properly and we can figure it out—even it if means confrontation.  I do realize that many of the people who use this method are trying to avoid confrontation but unfortunately the lasting implications of this behavior is deep, since the person you just insulted is upset and hurt and yet feels in some weird way that since the statement was prefaced with the no-offense-but comment that they can’t react upset and hurt.  Instead they have to internalize those feelings and say, “oh it’s ok, you didn’t mean any offense” while wanting to stab the person in the eyeballs.  The offended goes home and takes it out on their spouse/significant other/friends/a bottle of booze (or all of the above) and depending on the person this can turn fairly problematic fast.  And even if it didn’t, I just can’t grasp my brain around the purpose of this one.  It doesn’t make sense to me at all.  Be offensive!  Or don’t!  But don’t be a coward, either, hiding behind a false statement that you think will ease the impact of the offense you are about to fling in my face.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few, so this could be an ongoing post.  Hopefully that won’t be the case, though, because that will mean that I have not been subjected to the bullshit!

 

 

Aca-Awkward

I went and saw the movie “Pitch Perfect” the other day.  It was Aca-Awesome!  (Anyone who has seen the movie will totally get that joke).  Basically it’s about college students who are in competing a cappella groups (as one review noted—“Bring it On” meets “Glee”).  The girl group tends to say things like “aca-excuse me?” and at one point, Rebel Wilson says “aca-awwwwk-ward”.  It’s so great.

It got me thinking, especially considering some recent awkward events that have occurred, which I was the cause of.  I have a tendency to make people feel awkward, and oftentimes I don’t even really realize I’m doing it.  There are many times that I think I subconsciously do it; and then there are other times that I am aware of it, knowing full well that it might make someone uncomfortable but not caring because the issue (to me) is so important it needs to be addressed-no matter the repercussions.  Recently I had a friend tell me that I just need to be more aware of other people’s comfort levels.  Hmmm.  Does everyone go around constantly thinking about other people’s comfort levels?  I recognize that there is a societal norm that we are all expected to live up to, and that if we don’t, then we are crazy people.  I also recognize that part of me is crazy, and that part is the part I kinda love.  I don’t like making people feel awkward, and I certainly don’t want to do it to my friends and family.  But what are our friends and family if we can’t feel like we can be our true selves around them, and not have to worry about whether or not we are making people uncomfortable? 

I have a history of doing things that push the limit, toe the line.  When I lived in SD, I had two female roommates and decided one night (after drinking too much at HH) to strip naked and have a dance party in our living room.  We had full windows that led out to a deck, and we lived right by the beach, so there was almost always someone walking down the path in front of our house.  When the curtains were open and the lights were on in the house, you could see right into our living room.  Apparently I didn’t care and thought it was HILARIOUS.  Guess what?  Roomies were none too pleased and somewhat irritated by my behavior-which I could not grasp since I truly believed it was the funniest shit ever.  I mean, who does that?  Crazy people.  Crazy people do that.  Oh, and apparently me.

The difference here is that crazy people just go on doing crazy shit and they don’t think about whether or not someone doesn’t like it.  I have been cursed with self-reflection (read: beat myself up for all kinds of shit) and therefore when I find out I have offended someone or made them uncomfortable, I am really hard on myself.  The irony of it though, is that even though I really don’t want to make my friends or family uncomfortable-truly I don’t-I inexplicably continue to do it.  And then one day, the person/people I do it to come to a realization that it’s just who I am and it doesn’t make them feel so awkward anymore.  This same roommate and I recently traveled to Vegas together and I tell you what, I probably did 17 different things that would have made her feel awkward 10 years ago.  Hell, 5 years ago.  But instead of getting upset, or weird, or uncomfortable, she took pictures and laughed.  She grabbed on to the lap-bar of the roller coaster and held on tight.

This is me, doing something she wouldn't have liked five years ago.

 I have a feeling this is also how my poor spouse must feel sometimes.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  Half the time, he unbuckles the seat belt and says “fuck this ride-it’s SO not worth it”.  The other half though, he rides along, knowing that even though I am so capable of making people feel awkward or uncomfortable, I’m also quite capable of making them feel loved and that I genuinely care about people, because I do.  Aca-AWWWWW.