A Small List of Passive-Aggressive Socially Accepted Terms (mostly used by women)

This list was fairly easy for me to compile, as I am pretty direct and honest—sometimes to a fault.  As such, the following statements drive me batty and make me cringe:

·        “Bless His/Her Heart”: This term is extremely condescending, yet people who use it think it means they are exempt from sounding like total assholes—even though in reality, they are being total assholes.  It is often used to pass judgment on someone, but done in a way that makes it look like you are being sweet and caring.  “Look at that poor baby’s giant head, bless his heart”; “It’s not her fault she has a raging alcoholic for a mother, bless her heart”.  The best part is, most of the time the people that are having their ears raped by this language and therefore exposed to the person’s blatant judgment, read through the lines and know exactly what type of person they are (bless their heart).

·        Saying something I am wearing is “fun”, “colorful”, “sassy”, etc: This is a huge pet peeve of mine, because I wear items that could fall into each one of those categories; the big difference here is that I think they are fashionable and cute, and definitely NOT fun, colorful or sassy.  The reason why it bothers me so much is because it’s a way for people (especially women) to make a criticism of your outfit in a backhanded way, so that it appears to be a compliment when really it’s not.  When I hear “well that’s a colorful bag” or “aren’t those earrings fun!” I want to punch the bitch in the face, because I know what you’re really trying to say here.  You’re trying to say that my style is not within your limited tastes and therefore you can’t help yourself; you have to comment because you can’t believe someone would wear something so outside of the box, and apparently offensive, since you made a point to comment on it.  And more than anything, I really just want to reply back “Yes, well the bonus of wearing sweats to work is that you don’t have to change when you get out of bed!” 

·        “Well, that’s all that matters”:  Wrapping up a conversation with this term is quite patronizing, and is typically not genuine, unless you are a parent trying to console a child (which I bet money that doesn’t work either).  “It looked like Johnny was having fun out there, and that’s all that matters” (read: your child sucks at soccer); “Well, even though you lost a ton of money, you learned an important lesson and that’s all that matters” (read: you’re a retard who invested poorly); “Well you’re here now, and that’s all that matters” (read: you know how much I hate it when you’re late).  The problem with this term is that at one point maybe people did use it positively and really meant it but now, with the various ways it is used as a passive aggressive weapon to undermine people is just that: it’s a weapon.  And an effective one to boot because it makes you doubt yourself, and the person’s sincerity as well, when it is used against you.

·        “No offense, but…”: This one is the Mother Lode.  ANYTIME ANYONE starts a sentence with this term, brace yourself.  Because obviously they think that by stating that they don’t mean any offense, that means they can go ahead and insult/offend you.  “No offense but I don’t really like your spouse”.  What?!  Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s pretty offensive, since it’s the person I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with.  “No offense but sometimes your parenting style is a little much”.  Wrong on so many levels.  “No offense but when was the last time you cleaned your tub?”.  IWKY.  Just because you say “no offense” before a statement does not, ever, give you the right to go ahead and offend someone!  I feel like this should be a given, but apparently I am way off because people are still doing this.  A lot.  Honestly I would prefer for someone just to come out and offend me so that I can react properly and we can figure it out—even it if means confrontation.  I do realize that many of the people who use this method are trying to avoid confrontation but unfortunately the lasting implications of this behavior is deep, since the person you just insulted is upset and hurt and yet feels in some weird way that since the statement was prefaced with the no-offense-but comment that they can’t react upset and hurt.  Instead they have to internalize those feelings and say, “oh it’s ok, you didn’t mean any offense” while wanting to stab the person in the eyeballs.  The offended goes home and takes it out on their spouse/significant other/friends/a bottle of booze (or all of the above) and depending on the person this can turn fairly problematic fast.  And even if it didn’t, I just can’t grasp my brain around the purpose of this one.  It doesn’t make sense to me at all.  Be offensive!  Or don’t!  But don’t be a coward, either, hiding behind a false statement that you think will ease the impact of the offense you are about to fling in my face.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few, so this could be an ongoing post.  Hopefully that won’t be the case, though, because that will mean that I have not been subjected to the bullshit!

 

 

Aca-Awkward

I went and saw the movie “Pitch Perfect” the other day.  It was Aca-Awesome!  (Anyone who has seen the movie will totally get that joke).  Basically it’s about college students who are in competing a cappella groups (as one review noted—“Bring it On” meets “Glee”).  The girl group tends to say things like “aca-excuse me?” and at one point, Rebel Wilson says “aca-awwwwk-ward”.  It’s so great.

It got me thinking, especially considering some recent awkward events that have occurred, which I was the cause of.  I have a tendency to make people feel awkward, and oftentimes I don’t even really realize I’m doing it.  There are many times that I think I subconsciously do it; and then there are other times that I am aware of it, knowing full well that it might make someone uncomfortable but not caring because the issue (to me) is so important it needs to be addressed-no matter the repercussions.  Recently I had a friend tell me that I just need to be more aware of other people’s comfort levels.  Hmmm.  Does everyone go around constantly thinking about other people’s comfort levels?  I recognize that there is a societal norm that we are all expected to live up to, and that if we don’t, then we are crazy people.  I also recognize that part of me is crazy, and that part is the part I kinda love.  I don’t like making people feel awkward, and I certainly don’t want to do it to my friends and family.  But what are our friends and family if we can’t feel like we can be our true selves around them, and not have to worry about whether or not we are making people uncomfortable? 

I have a history of doing things that push the limit, toe the line.  When I lived in SD, I had two female roommates and decided one night (after drinking too much at HH) to strip naked and have a dance party in our living room.  We had full windows that led out to a deck, and we lived right by the beach, so there was almost always someone walking down the path in front of our house.  When the curtains were open and the lights were on in the house, you could see right into our living room.  Apparently I didn’t care and thought it was HILARIOUS.  Guess what?  Roomies were none too pleased and somewhat irritated by my behavior-which I could not grasp since I truly believed it was the funniest shit ever.  I mean, who does that?  Crazy people.  Crazy people do that.  Oh, and apparently me.

The difference here is that crazy people just go on doing crazy shit and they don’t think about whether or not someone doesn’t like it.  I have been cursed with self-reflection (read: beat myself up for all kinds of shit) and therefore when I find out I have offended someone or made them uncomfortable, I am really hard on myself.  The irony of it though, is that even though I really don’t want to make my friends or family uncomfortable-truly I don’t-I inexplicably continue to do it.  And then one day, the person/people I do it to come to a realization that it’s just who I am and it doesn’t make them feel so awkward anymore.  This same roommate and I recently traveled to Vegas together and I tell you what, I probably did 17 different things that would have made her feel awkward 10 years ago.  Hell, 5 years ago.  But instead of getting upset, or weird, or uncomfortable, she took pictures and laughed.  She grabbed on to the lap-bar of the roller coaster and held on tight.

This is me, doing something she wouldn't have liked five years ago.

 I have a feeling this is also how my poor spouse must feel sometimes.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  Half the time, he unbuckles the seat belt and says “fuck this ride-it’s SO not worth it”.  The other half though, he rides along, knowing that even though I am so capable of making people feel awkward or uncomfortable, I’m also quite capable of making them feel loved and that I genuinely care about people, because I do.  Aca-AWWWWW.

Spousal Sillies

**NOTE: I apologize in advance if this happens to be an embarrassing post for my spouse.  I would like to note that I am planning on having him guest write an equally revealing post about me, and also am kind of hoping that maybe his schedule these days might prevent him from actually reading this.**

While he’s been known to eat bugs and pig ear sandwiches, and will never turn down a shot (even a Mexican Whore—sick); and he is a great cook and charming to boot; here are a few examples of the true reasons why I love my spouse:  the gritty, funny, ridiculous elements that make him human.

Lifting Weight:  I came home from work one day to find him standing in the front room in front of the dining room table, facing the wall with a mirror on it and lifting one 15 lb weight that he “got on clearance”.  He was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, breathing hard and admiring his muscles.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said, “lifting weight”.

Broncos Pillow Talk:  After the first game of the season this year, he fell asleep reading on the tiny couch, after having not only watched the game but also spending a large amount of time talking about it on the phone and reading about it on-line.  When I tried to wake him up to come to bed, he mumbled “Broncos fourth down…bad call! Bad call!  Mumble mumble…put him back in! Fumble!  Blah blah blah…”.  When I tried again, he mumbled more about the Broncos, to which I replied, “I’m trying to get you to come to bed, not get a play-by-play of the game.  This can’t be comfortable honey—you look like a Big Guy on a Little Couch" (I even kind of sang it).  To this he tauntingly replied “oooohhhh”, and waved his hands around and smiled.  I let him sleep there.

Hole in the Wall:  After a long night of fighting, he came to bed and “showed me” by sleeping as far away from me as possible (on the very edge of his side of the bed).  In the middle of the night, I heard a loud crash and a bunch of cussing.  When I asked what the hell happened, he said “I just fell out of bed!”.  I had to stifle my laughter at the thought of a grown ass man (and he’s a tall one at that) falling out of bed, as well as try to be supportive after all we’d been through.  The next morning, as I’m getting out of the shower I hear, “oh SHIT”.  When I come into the bedroom, he’s looking at the giant hole in the wall created by his knee when he fell, and his eye is swollen from where he hit the corner of the bed side table.  Yep, you totally showed me.

Loopholes (my personal favorite):  This is a reoccurring pattern from him, however this is by far the best example—when I was pregnant, I left town to visit my dad for a week, and left him with a “Honey Do List” (something I didn’t even know about until my Granny informed me, thank you very much).  One of the chores on his list was to paint over the chipped and possibly lead based paint on the doorknobs in the house.  This particular chore wasn’t of extreme importance to me; however my sister had convinced me that it HAD to get done.  When I returned from my trip, I came home to find that he had painted the doorknobs—only he painted one side blue, and one side orange.  Seriously.  His argument was that I didn’t specify what color, but just that he paint them.  Touché. 

Occupational Hazards

At the dentist’s office this summer, I had to get a tooth extracted.  NOT FUN.  But you know what is fun?  Laughing gas.  Matter of fact, I had a whole slew of ideas that came to me for blogging while I was at the dentist’s office…only they weren’t nearly as awesome a few hours later when the drugs wore off.  One thing I did notice was that the dental technician seemed to have some solid one-liners that she had clearly used before.  Like right after they got me good and high on nitrous, they injected a giant needle filled with Novocain into my gums.  Fucking brutal.  I’m just sitting there, happily waiting for the procedure to begin (matter of fact pretty much flying high as a kite), thinking about blog posts when BAM! Needle in the gums.  Right after they did this, the tech says, “talk about a buzz kill, huh?”.  Why yes, that’s exactly what that was, you clever little technician, you!   Of course there wasn’t much I could do to reply but grunt, but I think that they prefer it that way.  If I could have talked, imagine the stoned jibberish ideas I would be spouting off to these women!  Wait, you don’t want to hear about my blog post titled “Things You Would Say to Your Dentist if Only This Wrench Wasn’t in the Way”?! 

It made me think about other occupational situations where it can be awkward, but is still part of the job.  OB/GYNs have it rough.  They must really have to remember that it’s worth the pay.  Otherwise, all those incredibly awkward moments (that start with the fucking gown and end with the latex gloves coming off) that are made even more awkward when exacerbated by small talk would SO not be worth it.  Or how about hair stylists?  Having to listen to certain clients go on and on about their puppy/house renovations/spouse/job.  You can’t shut them down because you need the money, so you tolerate it and hope you have a few quips/one liners to keep it interesting.  Or you go into the dental industry, and shove a wrench in your client’s mouth.

The OG Werewolves of Thunder

I found this the other day-completely forgot I made and posted it.  Pretty awesome.  NOTE: Please try to ignore my obnoxious voice taking the cuteness out of the video.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ4BC5HPUWg&noredirect=1

Making it Rain

I was watching TV with my 5 year old daughter the other day and a commercial came on for some retarded, plastic toy.  Lately, every time she sees a commercial for a shitty toy she says, “I want that” (let’s all hold our comments about what that says about my parenting skills and how much TV I let her watch, thanks).  I’ve also started instilling an allowance system, so that she understands that you have to work to get rewarded (again, hold the comments about making a five year old have to understand the concept of work and rewards).  As a result, whenever she says she wants something she sees on TV, I tell her “well, if you do your chores and save up your allowance, then you can buy that yourself”.  This last time, she responded with a comment that spawned an awesome conversation:

Daughter: “I wish sharing was a chore”.

Me: “(Laughing) Why is that?  Because you’re really good at sharing?”

D: “Yes.  And I would make money by sharing.  Then I would share my money, which would make even more money.  Then I would take all of my money and throw it into the sky so it rained down on everyone”.

M: (Couldn’t help myself) “Now that’s what I call making it rain!”.

Mad Face

I received a phone call the other day from a colleague who saw me walking down the 16^th Street Mall.  In his voice mail, he stated I was “so serious, in fact I almost looked mad”.  This is the second time in recent months that I have heard that my normal, unsmiling face makes me look mad.  The other person even noted, “I thought you didn’t like me for the longest time”.  While I will admit I have been known to flare up or throw a temper tantrum from time to time (especially after too much whiskey), it is something I am trying to reign in.  When I’m on the mall, I’m focusing on not being harassed by beggars or douche bags (or douche bag beggars—I’m looking at you Greenpeace jerk offs who think that an obnoxious wave and a “come here, do you like the environment” comment is gonna get me to subscribe); and I’m also trying not to get the heel of my shoe stuck in between the tiles on the mall (that shit will RUIN a pair of heels).  And maybe the combination of that along with the fact that people need to watch the fuck where they are going makes me look a little angry.  Rightly so-and I get it (and fine, maybe I am actually a little bit annoyed).  But what is it about people that think that just because I’m not smiling, I must be mad/something must be wrong with me?  I ran into another colleague on the mall who said, “I saw you walking the other morning but you had your headphones in and didn’t see me, so I didn’t want to interrupt.  You also looked really upset.  Is everything alright?”.  Yes, thank you, everything is just fine.  While I appreciate your concern/criticism, it’s JUST THE WAY MY FACE LOOKS.  Now back off before I get fucking mad.

Happy New Year

Alright, so I started this blog last year at this time and I was pretty on top of it...for a hot one.  Then I kind of tapered off, but I have been working on some stuff and am going to post a few things now.  I know, I know--I shouldn't wait months in between posts.  But life gets in the way!  Here's to a new year, and hopefully many more highly anticipated posts.  Ha ha ha, just kidding.  About the cheers to the new year, I mean.